- She intensifies drone attacks on Al Qaeda's leaders, but only after nailing Tina Fey and Katie Couric first.
- All our immigration problems magically go away.
- Instead of tea ceremonies, official White House events start with moose hunts.
- The 2013 federal budget: 20% national security, 20% Social Security, 20% Medicare, and 40% Sarah Palin's wardrobe.
- In hopes of inspiring immigrant children, she confirms that English is actually her second language.
- The presidential limousine is replaced with the presidential dog sled.
- With her first legislative victory, she persuades Congress to slash the federal budget by 20% and designer shoe prices by 70%.
- NBC convinces her, Merkel, and Putin to join the hit reality show, Celebrity President.