I want you to behave yourself when we are out together. Please do not start walking around, and being drunk and crazy. Sit down. If you do decide to do that, let it be known that I request no responsiblity in the matter. If you get too drunk and end up going home with some idiots that want to take advantage of you, so be it, please enjoy yourself, and never come out with me again.
This is make or break. Do not tell me I am not funny, or say "No." Do not use the word no, ever, nor use the words "Not funny." Try to take out anything with a contraction, like "Do not" and "Cannot."
For example, when I scold you, please do not use the contraction "Don't." As in, "Don't tell me what to do, Ben." Because then you just told me what to do, and now it's tied 1-1. Do not say "I cannot suck your dick, Ben, I do not do that." That is two "not's" in one sentence. Not is the long form of no. Let's always say yes, and yes, and yes. Remember that.
Just play along, this won't take too much of your time. Do what I want to do. If it is night time. I will be doing comedy. Come watch me perform. Sit there. Do not talk or heckle. If you choose to do so, prepare to be scolded by me, or roasted by me as I am on stage. I will destroy you. Do not try it. Also, if you are going to come, don't text while I'm performing. This is our first time, please, just pretend you're interested. If I tell you to be quiet, you must be quiet.
You can talk all you want, as long as you are talking about me. It has to be something relevant to what I'm doing or saying or thinking about, or how I look or what you like about me. If you sit there and look like a stick in a log, do something, but don't be in a rush. I don't get impressed, I'm just going to sit there. The best thing you can do is talk to me about stuff like "What is your theory on dreams?" and "If you had one person in the world to kill, who would you do and why?"
I'm not going to ask you any questions. Remember that. I will only ask questions if you lead me to them. Like if you say "Work was stressful today." I will say "Why's that" and then you'll say "I had a lot of clients" and I'll say "Cool."
I am going to be interested in you if I am interested in you. I don't really know what I am interested in, other than people who are interested in me. So if you are interested in me, cool, I am interested in you. If you are interesting, I guess I'll have to be interested too.
Do not be afraid to tap into your evil side. How is your dark side? Is it a good dark side or a bad dark side? Do you think that I will look good with your dark side? Do you think I will bring out a dark side you never knew?
If you have a boyfriend, drop him. If you've been with him for eight billion years, drop him. Go out with me. It's a risk, but it may be worth it. There's only one way to find out. Remember, you can always go back to ole' Johnnie. Going out with me may only take a day or two to figure out that it's not going to work. Or you can just read this.