Dear Mr. Apparel,
I have been an ardent supporter of your Sweatshop Free, Made in the U.S.A fashionable basics since the beginning. I was an early adopter when you were simply Thirteen Colonies Apparel. I saw the potential during your formative years as Undiscovered Land Mass Apparel. I have seen you through T-Shirt Necks A through U, and fondly remember when your Short Shorts were just Tall Underwear. Your clothing harkens back to a time when men were allowed to be men dressed like women aspiring to be men.
Though you have been accused in the past of objectifying women in your ads I have been willing to let it slide; after all, boys/girls will be boys/girls. However, your recent foray into the grocery world has left me no choice but to stand up for what I believe to be a true injustice.
Now before I go any further, please understand I am not a total prude. I was fully onboard with the Broccoli Thong; though scandalous it fully covered any hint of the Vegina. With regards to your Ham Briefs I feel that the testicle shot was tastefully done and was a necessary evil. It is with your latest ad where I feel you have completely crossed the line. I am talking of course about your new Knee-High Pickle Socks.
If I am to believe that those socks are knee-high then I have to assume you’ve been hanging out with some very tall pickles. These socks are so low cut that they leave the Pickle’s Bumps fully exposed. We live in a world where young pickles growing up can aspire to be Astronauts, Welders, CEOs of major companies. Pickles today are not just bumpy fuck-objects running around as extras in the background of the latest National Lampoon’s Straight-to-Netflix Crapfest; they are strong, highly educated and upwardly mobile. Your ad sets pickles back decades. I strongly believe that Pickles should be judged not for the bumpiness of their skin but for the content of their juice. Above all, and what I find to be most disgusting is that you have somehow managed to find a way to get a pickle to give me an erection. This has left me angered and confused.
Please stop making your vegetables so sexy. If not for me then for my wife and children who have to grow up with the shame of having a daddy who can’t stop humping pickle jars.
Vexed by Vlasics