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Published August 15, 2011


So you're in the wild, toasting marshmallows with your family and telling ghost stories, and out of nowhere a great, big grizzly bear approaches. I know, your initial instinct will be to give that bear a handjob. DO NOT. Try as hard as you can NOT TO GIVE THAT BEAR A HANDJOB.

Here's why:

1. Bears love handjobs. It's their favorite thing. But when a bear receives a handjob, upon reaching beargasm, they will instantly demand another. "MOAR HANDJOBS," they'll roar. It's not like when humans receive handjobs and they subsequently feel terrible about themselves because nobody really enjoyed what just happened. Bears can't get enough, and if you don't comply to their request for round two, they will retaliate by taking your child out for ice-cream, but then telling them they have to order the coffee flavor.

2. When being pleasured by a hand, the bear will try to make eye contact with you. Avoid this at all costs. The moment you lock eyes, you will be mentally transported to your most cherished childhood memory. From then on, when you visualize that memory, you will permanently see image of a bear receiving handjob in the background.

3. As mentioned last time, a beargasm lasts precisely 23 minutes. But what you might not know is that it takes three months for them to get off. Please see reason number one for as to why this is an unfortunate reality.

4. Bears are known gossips. If they're pleased with your performance, they will undoubtedly tell every bear they know and you will be the slut of the forest. "It was a one time thing," you'll say when bears begin calling you at home and you have to explain yourself to your wife, who has already judged you for the time you performed cunnilingus on a dolphin.

5. During day 38 of your bearjob, the bear's face will begin to resemble your deceased grandfather. This will make the following 52 days a nightmare. Unless that's your thing. In that case, enjoy yourself. But at least call your grandma to apologize when you're done.

Previously: 5 Reasons NOT to Watch Bears Having Sex
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