Picture the one thing in life you want more than anything. Got it? Well then good for you because all of my dreams have been crushed thanks to my big dumb parents.
My mom and dad, who shall remain nameless, have given me nothing but the best growing up: a great education, a home in a safe suburb, and not to mention their unconditional love and acceptance. Sounds good, right? NOT. Because now that I’m older, I want to pursue a professional career in comedy, but in order to do that I need one thing:
A tragic personal life.
Obviously, my parents couldn’t have predicted my future career aspirations when I was a born. So, I can’t blame them for not giving me a shittier childhood. Now however, I figured I could ask them to geta divorce, and I figured they would understand. But when I asked, they simply said, “No.”
I giggled softly to myself, tilted my head in confusion, and said, “Ha. Wait– What?” Then, I tried explaining to them that my life is way too happy and positive, and they responded with this little gem, “So, what’s the problem?”
I felt like Rodney Dangerfield. I was not receiving any respect. Clearly, my parents were proving to be even bigger and dumber than I had originally thought.
I elaborated to my parents explaining to them that I’ve never suffered from depression, I’ve never been addicted to drugs, and I’ve definitely never gotten the chance to live in poverty while also being forced to take on a job as a janitor to financially support my family. You know who did do that? Jim Carrey. And he’s Jim—Fucking—Carrey!
So, I politely asked my parents for a second time to get a divorce. They calmly replied with, “We’re not doing that. We can buy you improv classes orsomething.”
“IMPROV CLASSES OR SOMETHING!?!” I couldn’t believe how my parents were being the biggest stupidest dumb idiots I’ve ever met! They sat there on their stupid thrones of suppression sucking on their dum dum lollipops with their stupid dumb face holes stubbornly blabbering back to me, “Durp! Darp! Derp!”
So if you’re reading this Lorne Michaels, I’m sorry that you’ll never get to cast me on Saturday Night Live.
It’s a shame. I probably could have been really funny.