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April 27, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com. Thank you.


A Vietnam veteran with terminal esophageal cancer says Spirit Airlines refused to give him a refund following his diagnosis. To be fair, they’re called Spirit Airlines, not Soul Airlines.
According to reports, George Zimmerman initially bought a gun due to run-ins with pit bulls. Or he could have just stayed in his car and not confronted the pit bulls like the police told him.
On the “Today” show, Rosie O’Donnell compared Lindsay Lohan and her drug problems to Whitney Houston. The only difference being that people usually give a white celebrity another chance while they’re still alive.
Former Liberian ruler Charles Taylor has been found guilty of aiding and abetting terrorism, murder, rape, sexual slavery, cruelty and conscripting child soldiers. Good thing the world community put a stop to that before it got out of hand!
Rupert Murdoch said he blames one or two “strong characters” for the News of the World phone hacking scandal. Both Don Draper and the Fonz have rejected the accusations.
Researchers say action videogames can improve visual attention. Though that doesn’t include attention to the fact that you’re not doing anything with your life.
In China, Bo Xilai has been accused of wiretapping other politicians. Leaving many Chinese citizens surprised that he worked for Rupert Murdoch without telling anyone.
Four TSA agents have been arrested for allegedly allowing suitcases full of drugs through security checkpoints in return for money. The agents say it’s not that they were bribed, they were just too busy groping possible child terrorists.
Sandra Fluke, the law student who Rush Limbaugh called a “slut,” is engaged. Which should slow down the number of abortions she has for fun.
Sgt. Gary Stein will receive an other-than-honorable discharge from the Marines for criticizing President Obama on Facebook. His biggest mistake? Not doing it on Google+.
Though he already endorsed Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry is now endorsing Mitt Romney for president since Gingrich appears ready to stop his campaign. And if that doesn’t work out, definitely Obama.
Apparently there’s evidence that the Secret Service also hired prostitutes in El Salvador. Thus suggesting a much larger epidemic: Hotel rooms in South America are crazy boring.