Full Credits

Stats & Data

May 16, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In Britain, a former chief of News International was charged with “perverting justice” for her involvement with the country's phone-hacking scandal. A crime considered more offensive than being a "Peeping Tom of liberty."

The case of three Seattle police officers who used a Taser on a pregnant woman during a traffic stop is heading to the Supreme Court. Because no other judges could agree if their actions were legal or just awesome.

The chairman of Best Buy announced that he's stepping down. Literally. He's just going downstairs to JCPenney to check on a duvet cover.

Mississippi police are warning drivers about stopping for a fake cop who has been killing people. Tip #1: A real cop doesn't make "bee-ooo bee-ooo" noises with his mouth.

François Hollande asked that his presidential inauguration ceremony be low-key, with neither his wife nor his children even in attendance. Furthermore, Hollande said one stripper would be more than enough.

Dell is being criticized for inviting a Danish speaker/comedian to a company event, during which he told men to go home and tell their wives, "Shut up, bitch." A line that sounds eerily similar to their old catchphrase, "Dude, you're getting a Dell and tell that bitch to shut up."

Iran announced that it had executed a man accused of being an Israeli intelligence agent and assassinating a nuclear scientist. Though at the very least, Iran is more or less certain that it killed a Jew who didn't like science.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn is countersuing the maid who accused him of rape for $1 million. Which should buy him lots of women to rape.

Ron Paul announced he will no longer campaign for the Republican nomination. "Is that right..." said Newt Gingrich, clicking his tongue.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal attacked President Obama, saying he "never ran a state, never a business, never ran a lemonade stand." On the other hand, he did run General Motors for a couple years.

After visiting her husband in prison, Rod Blagojevich's wife said the room they met in was “one of the saddest places on Earth.” Adding, "At max there were two chandeliers. At. Max."

Microsoft is supporting a system aimed at slowing bit torrent downloads. Because slowing everything down didn't work out for Windows Vista.

A member of the History Channel reality series "Swamp People" died Monday. The cause of death isn't clear yet but witnesses said they saw something attack him. Some type of...Swamp Thing.