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June 08, 2015

Other things we should not allow 4-year-olds to have.

School Doesn’t Allow 4-Year-Old to Eat Oreos Her Mom Packed in Her Lunchbox.

The Associated Press reported that a 4-year-old girl in suburban Denver was not allowed to eat the Oreos her mom sent in her lunchbox as a snack. Instead, she was sent home with a note outlining what makes for a nutritious lunch, including a fruit, vegetable, and healthy snack. The girl’s mother told the press her daughter also had a sandwich and some cheese. But that wasn’t good enough for the school, whose spokeswoman said the teacher gave the child a healthy alternative to the Oreos.

I strongly support the school’s decision to take away this kid’s sugar-laden chocolate death disks. Life is about always choosing the healthiest option and never having any fun. One Oreo and the next thing you know, you’ve got your own reality show on TLC.

In an effort to protect our children and help them make good choices, here are some other items that 4-year-olds should never be allowed to have at school.

A Change of Clothes

Some parents like to send their young child to school with a change of clothes, just in case junior has a small accident and doesn’t make it to the bathroom in time. But extra clothes means extra laundry, and extra laundry means increased energy usage at a time when we need to be more energy efficient to slow global warming before the oceans swallow us up. Listen, kids, you’re the ones who will still be around when there’s beachfront property in Colorado. This is for your own good. Next time you pee your pants at school, your teacher will send you to run around outside and let Mother Nature do the drying.

Vaseline for that Boo Boo

Sure, Vaseline can soothe a cut and speed the healing process, but it’s also a petroleum-based product. And where does petroleum come from? The Middle East. So fuck you, adorable little girl, for making us dependent on foreign oil and starting a war in Iraq.

Woobie the Security Blanket

Any kind of stuffed animal or blanket creates a false sense of security that can leave children unprepared to handle real-world challenges later in life. Children should learn from very early on that the world is a shitscape full of evil and that blanket or teddy bear you clutch in moments of insecurity can do nothing to protect you.

My Little Pony

My LIttle Pony copy.jpg

The ass tattoos on these adorable Little Ponies will set your daughter on a course of self-destruction.

These fiendish foals disguised as adorable sparkly ponies with rainbow hair must be stopped before they trample our 4-year-olds. That majestic mane is just going to convince your daughter she needs to dye her hair when really she should embrace her own looks. And do you really want your precious princess to think she can control ponies? She’s no horse whisperer. Besides, horses are people, too, and shouldn’t be owned. Also, these ponies promote ass tattoos. Show me one without a star or rainbow stamped on its haunches. You can’t, can you? As we all know, ass tattoos lead to a life of meth addiction, so no Little Ponies at school.