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February 24, 2016

Ben cries to avoid speaking to the families of the Final Four women.

We’ve finally arrived at the traditionally most wildcard week of the Bachelor Season, Hometown Dates. This season does not disappoint. Between incestuous brothers, an alcoholic mother, and a Zodiac-killer-style letter from an ex-lover, the families fuck up the women’s only chance at true love– and that was just during Jojo’s Hometown. For this week’s pensive “debate your love choices” shot, Delicate Ben poses draped over a rock, gazing into the ocean.

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Sexy-baby-voiced Mom, bland blonde, childlike hapa, or too-hot-for-me brunette?

Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda’s Hometown Date

In Laguna Beach, Ben runs to meet up with Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda. She builds up him meeting her kids again and we finally bring in the terribly-named-but-adorable children.

Mommy! Where’s the other half of your shirt?

Ben’s face while watching Amanda meet up with them is a mess.

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This is my precious moment face.

Ben introduces himself to the children as if they are adults, saying “it’s nice to meet you finally. I’ve heard a lot of great things.”

Pleasure to meet you. Heard great things. Did you have trouble finding parking? Can I offer you a beverage?

They all frolic on the beach before things turn sour in the car ride and the kids start crying.

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Single Mom porn.

Before meeting Amanda’s parents, Delicate Ben posits that “Amanda’s family will be extra protective of any man that comes into her life,” and as he’s seeking protection, this should be a perfect fit. Ben tells Amanda’s parents how the day took a lot out of them all since they “chased about a thousand seagals”. Sea-gals. Maybe he would have been great with the Twin who didn’t know what a swan was.

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It was the perfect Bachelor date. We chased a thousand seagals. We ribbon danced. The littler one pierced my ear drums with her wild banshee screams.

Amanda’s Dad describes Ben as a “deer caught in headlights” and her sister correctly questions if he’s ready to “be an instant Dad.” Ben thinks, “today could not have gone better. The girls didn’t hate me."Update: his #unlovable fear extends to children.

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Why does New Daddy keep talking about there being a lot of time still left in this process and he can’t make any promises? Why does New Daddy keep going on about finally getting his dick wet?

The child is still weeping. Amanda’s Dad questions Ben if he’s ready and Ben responds that he “loved coloring with them and running with streamers” aka the totality of fatherhood.

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Coloring was cool, streamer-running was cool, your daughter’s boner-inducing MILF shirt was very cool.

Amanda’s Dad tries to scare him: “There are going to be times when you can’t–you used to go to the gym with your buddies, or you used to go, doing whatever. There are going to be times when you can’t do what you ‘want to do.’”

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You can’t “work out with your gym buddies” anymore, you can’t get absolutely shit-faced at boys nights and “forget what happened” anymore, you can’t go to “Laguna Beach circle jerks for hours” anymore, etc.

Delicate Ben reads a book to the children, trying to simplify his and Mommy’s “love story.”

Once upon a time, in the city of Los Angeles, a boy named Ben dreamed of losing his special flower so he kissed 28 women. Mommy was one of the best at kissing so she stayed almost to the end. The boy Ben then realized he couldn’t bang the MILF on national television so he settled for the three that would be more appropriate to bang out.

This date makes Amanda realize she’s in love with Ben and she’d be “completely crushed” if she gets sent home after today. Spoiler alert: crushing is imminent.

Lauren B.land’s Hometown Date

I am flabbergasted that Lauren B.land is from Portland. She is so deeply un-nuanced. She meets up with Ben downtown and we see a lot of rose imagery.

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Portland: City of Roses and Deep-throating.

They see a “Keep Portland Weird” sign and can’t stop laughing. It’s so, so, so funny.

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It’s so, so, hilarious that you come from a place that’s known for its eccentric populace.

They go to a butter cart and we learn Lauren’s second interest beyond lawns: “This is everything. I love butter.” Ben confesses, “I don’t know if I could picture a better way to die.”

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Your dream way to die is next to me and slathered in butter ? That’s adorable!

Ben force-feeds Lauren B.land grilled cheese, further pushing the Portland deep-throating motif, while simultaneously mocking her career as a flight attendant: “Everybody buckle up. Look at the exits. This way and that way. And in the chute!”

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The chute needs to relax its muscles a bit and remember that this grilled cheese is the Bachelor’s special grilled cheese and the chute should be grateful.

Lauren B.land brings Ben to a “Whiskey Libary”. She says Libary. Ben is shocked by this surprise: “Oh my gosh. This is just. You!”

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Wods can’t descibe how excited I am to bing you to this whiskey libary.

Lauren: “I could sit in a room with Ben and not speak a word and feel more fulfilled and more content than in any other situation I’ve ever felt in my entire life.” STOCKHOLM SYNDROME ALERT.

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Happiest and most fulfilled moment of Lauren B.land’s entire life.

Ben meets Lauren’s family. WE DON’T GET TO SEE LAUREN B.LAND’S DAD’S LAWN THAT HE’S OBSESSED WITH. I WAS PROMISED A LAWNGASM. Lauren’s Dad is her twin, calls her Lolo, and they have a possibly toothless 18-year-old dog.

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Ben looks like a lesbian on this date.

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Cheers to our daughter slumming it due to psychological torture.

Lauren’s sister looks like Taylor from RHOBH and she thinks Lauren should be the Bachelorette. I love how that’s in the back of every girl’s mind. Oh, I can pick Delicate Ben or have 28 other dudes compete over me? Ummm… tough call…

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Tell me why she should pick you and not hold out for 28 new maybe-gay-guys on Bachelorette.

Ben attempts to assuage Lauren’s sister with words first: “There’s something about your sister that I can’t put words to. Um. I don’t know. I feel really lucky. I do. Um. (starts crying). Sorry.” Every time Ben can’t come up with something to say in this episode he cries.

There’s something about her… I can’t put words to it… She’s cool?

Lauren tells her sister she loves Ben and then they almost make out.

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Lauren’s Dad: “You’re talking to three other fathers and that’s hard for me. How are you coping?” Ben: “Not well.”

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Tell me about the lawns of the three other fathers. None of them had the bougainvillea I’m rocking, right? I bet they were crab grass guys.

Lauren’s Dad tells Lauren: “There are three other girls in the mix. There are three other encounters that he’s having.“

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Dad, for the last time I don’t want to hear about the other encounters. They all seemed like they had crab grass fathers, OK?

Caila’s Hometown Date

Ben’s at a “precipice” with Caila. She’s worn her hair like a school girl for their date.

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The Phillipine Precipice

Caila’s hometown despite her 17 different childhood homes takes place in Hudson, Ohio. Caila takes Ben to her high school and shows him her “special bench”.

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Caila this might not be the right time to tell you but your special bench is a goddamned swing.

Caila takes Ben to a toy factory and she is so excited to explain that they’re going to design a toy house. I want whatever drugs she takes everyday. Caila: “It’s fun to think about one day in our near future. Ben could, like, be taking me into our new home. And we could just make out in our kitchen or on our front lawn… in our toy house or in our real house. Who knows?!”

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Maybe we’ll end up making out on our front lawn, or groping each other in the driveway, maybe even dry humping on the roof one day! Who knows?!

Caila tells Ben they’re going to make the toy house they designed. Ben can’t believe it: “That’s– no way."We find out that Caila’s Dad is the CEO of the toy company. Her parents make the factory workers applaud for Ben carrying Caila out of the factory Officer and a Gentleman style and it’s so gross.

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I’m super pregnant and working in a toy factory in Hudson, OH, but watching you guys make out while I work is reward enough in itself.

Ben meets Caila’s freaky-looking father and his hot mail-order wife. Caila’s Dad tries to create an internet meme by describing their process as “Microwave Fame."Ben talks to the parents about the various wife options and he could not be worse. Caila’s Mom asks what he loves about Caila and he responds: "My interest in Caila. It’s been really cool.” Then he delves into his #unlovable fears.

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How are you guys handling, what I’ve recently trademarked as Microwave Fame? Also, have you had a chance to check out my new website MicrowaveFame.com yet?

Caila whispers to both her parents, “I know he’s the one.” Caila’s Mom has braces and tells Caila to jump on Ben and tell him she’s in love. Caila: “That scared feeling is still lingering a little bit and I don’t know why.” Def couldn’t be Ben’s three other hot girlfriends.

But I’m still scared and idk why. It’s the greatest mystery of my life. Like, is Mercury in retrograde? Was there some sort of childhood trauma? Maybe my pH is off?

Jojo’s Hometown Date

We save the best hometown date for last. Jojo finds roses and a note on her front door. She is stoked thinking it’s from Ben until she realizes it’s from CHAD, HER EX!!! She says, “that’s so fucked up.” How did he know when she’d be there or how to format the letter misleadingly so it could’ve been from Ben? We’ll NEVER know.

That’s so fucked up. He even called himself unlovable in paragraph 3. And alludes to his hot Dad.

Jojo calls her ex. Chad says, “I’ve literally gone through so much since you’ve been gone. It’s taken me this time apart to grow and mature and think about what I want for the future. And it’s you.” Jojo: “You walked away from me so many times when I begged you to stay.” They are a Kelly Clarkson song. Ben finally comes in in a terrible sweater. Jojo explains what happened: “I think the reason why that letter made me so upset is because I’m just the happiest I’ve ever been. And I don’t want you to think for a second that my feelings are elsewhere cause they’re not.”


Ben’s response: “Thank you for making the phone call. And I wish I could’ve sat beside you during it, and um, been there for you.”

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I only wish that I had been able to sit next to you while you broke up with your ex. Maybe kissing your neck while you told him it was over. Maybe my hand on your boob as you told him to never ever contact you again.

They move past that obstacle and meet Jojo’s family and it is wonderful. Jojo thinks, “Ben will fit in with my family perfectly. I have no doubt in my mind."Her family lives in a cartoonishly large house.

Jojo’s Bros just normal level of excited to see their adult sister.

Jojo’s bros, V-neck and Collared-shirt are in love with her. Jojo’s Mom, Soraya, should start the Real Housewives of Dallas.

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So, tell us why you deserve to take our one true love away from us?

Jojo’s Dad tries to get Ben to move to Dallas: “If Ben moved to Dallas, we have two fine men that can give you a taste of Dallas and the kind of support and friendship and better your life.”

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Dr. Phil’s got two fine men to give you a Dallas Friendship Taste when you’re good and ready.

Jojo’s V-neck Bro: “I don’t want you to think our family is steamrolling you but it’s just, we’re really really, really attached to Joelle.”

V-neck-Bro really, really, really wants to make sure Ben gets the right idea that they’re banging their sister.

Jojo’s Mom is drinking the whole time and doesn’t really understand what’s going on. She tells Jojo: “You’re not going to get hurt. You’re beautiful.” The most fucked-up advice ever. Jojo: “There’s three other girls involved.” Jojo’s Mom: “Oh.”

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You won’t get hurt. Not with boobs like that. You can’t get hurt for like 7-10 more years at least!

Jojo’s V-neck-Bro: “I’d love to say this guy is that terrific, but I just genuinely can’t say that."V-neck-Bro and I can agree on one thing. Ben tries to reassure them with comforting lines such as he’s "really excited at the idea of sharing life with somebody” and “I don’t want to make a ton of promises today.”

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Can “terrific Ben” eat chocolate as seductively as this, Jojo?! DIDN’T THINK SO.

Jojo tells her bros they’ve only been on two dates and they’re worried. Jojo’s Collared-shirt-Bro: “My read is he’s not as emotionally invested in it as you are."Jojo’s Mom can’t handle this and is drinking out of the champagne bottle in the background of this altercation.

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Hometown buffet of disasters.

Jojo’s Bros attack Ben: “Ben, you brainwashed these girls way too much, man. To see my sister like that after two dates… You’re put in a position of you’re desired by a lot of girls, but psychologically, that all makes them want you… I don’t know if you were coached on your answer…”

I don’t know if you were coached on your answer… or you were juggling two dicks at the same time… or what…

Ben: “Yeah, um, I wasn’t coached to say anything.”

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Yeah, um. You really think they would coach me to say this dumb shit? “There’s just something so cool about your sister”?!

Jojo: “I don’t want Ben to walk away from tonight feeling like he got ambushed in any way.” Think the ship has sailed on that one.

Rose Ceremony

Amanda: “If he were to get down on one knee and propose to me right now I would say yes."Yikes. Ben picks Lauren B.land and Caila. Jojo GLARES at Amanda for the final rose.

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If I lose out to the single Mom with the annoying voice I swear to God…

But Ben can’t bang a Mom on TV so he sends her home.

Maybe one day Bachelor Nation will be progressive enough to let a mother bang someone on Fantasy Suites. But today is not that day.

Then he cries to get out of talking again, “I can’t do this right now.”

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I just loved ribbon-running on the beach so, so much.

Scenes from next week: all three say they love him and can’t imagine he’s got a connection that strong with the other women. YES. Sex panther Caila: “He might be waking up with these other women this week, but I want to be the woman he wakes up next to for the rest of his life.“ Rawr.

Tag: Lauren B.land’s brothers ask Delicate Ben about fantasy suites. Ben, the word-wiz, chugs his wine and then says, “You know, I would—I respect your—your sister a lot. Um. I’m not gonna put her in a position that is degrading to her at all. ”

No degrading positions. Just missionary. Scout’s honor.

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