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September 14, 2015

One small city's proposed dress code sounds like rules that a graying, out-of-touch father would try to implement, unsuccessfully, in a house full of cool, fashion-forward teens.

Last month the city council of Dadeville, Alabama, proposed a ban of sagging pants, and now it’s considering an additional ban of short shorts and miniskirts. Yeah, OK, more like DAD-ville, Alabama! Because these new rules sound like the kind of B.S. orders that a graying, out-of-touch father would try to implement, unsuccessfully, in a house full of cool, fashion-forward teens, and not something about which a city governing body should be even remotely concerned.

“We have people walking down the street with their hand in front of them holding up their pants. I prayed about this. I know that God would not go around with pants down,” said Dadeville, AL (or, really, more like DAD-ville, AL) City Councilman Frank Goodman. To which we say, more like Frank BAD-man! Because it’s BAD to measure how much respect people deserve based on how high their pants go up on their hips/waist. Also God doesn’t even wear pants, She wears a robe. Are you going to ban robes? What will God wear in public??

The proposed ban on women’s skirts and shorts was, interestingly, suggested by Councilwoman Stephanie Kelley, who tried to make it sound like her pitch was making strides in gender equality: "My concern is it should be for everybody. I think for the girls, with these shorts up so high looking like undergarments and dresses so short, I don’t want us to be showing favoritism.” Wow. Wow! More like STUFFY-nie Kelly. Because it’s STUFFY to be so concerned with the length of other peoples’ skirts or shorts!

It’s also not right for a city to try to impose rules that so clearly target young women and black men, but it’s harder to think of cute names for that. Maybe, like, Councilwoman Stepha-NEEDS-to-worry-about-something-else-because-this-is-so-stupid Kelly, and Councilman Frank-ly-not-a-good-move-to-be-spending-energy-on-this-it’s-2015, and Backwards-ville, Ala-bad-news. Those are all just ideas, there are probably more where those come from. Maybe Drab-ville, Alabama???

In conclusion, somebody needs tell this Council of DUDS (That’s "Council of Dads,” which is our way of saying the Dadeville City Council is lame, but we updated “Dads” to “Duds” to really double-down on how lame they are!!) to lay off. Maybe loosen your dad belt cuz it’s hurting your dad brain (dad brains = stomachs because dads love snacks) and let your pants sag low; you might like it!!