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June 22, 2013

A step-by-step guide to raising boys into badasses.

A step-by-step guide to raising boys into badasses.

1. Eat beef jerky, have sex with the nearest female, and conceive yourself a boy. Do NOT eat turkey jerky! That's for pussies.

2. Beginning while he's still in the womb, play violent movies at FULL VOLUME. Anything with explosions, handgun battles, screaming 24-7. 

3. Supplement violent movies and games with YOUR OWN screaming and violent behavior.

4. The minute baby is born, WEAN IT. Breastfeeding develops tenderness, empathy, the mammalian brain. Remember, you're raising a BADASS!!! Don't even risk bottle feeding. 

5. Keep that baby in a cold place, ideally a drawer that can be SHUT when it cries. 

6. As soon as he's old enough to understand words, say "BABIES cry. Big boys don't cry. What are you, a BABY?!"

7. On the playground, encourage fights—start a BETTING POOL.   

8. If some doctor says the boy needs GLASSES, don't even think about it. He'll look like a PUSSY!

9. Same goes for "FOOD ALLERGIES." Better he bleed out his asshole than be different! Eat that peanut butter! EAT IT!!!

10. Ban the boy from seeing the school counselor. She will fill his mind with BULLSHIT! Probably turn him into a fag.

11. If questions arise, tell the boy the world is black and white. Winners and losers. Whatever you do, DO NOT ADMIT life has PERSISTENT QUESTIONS or BIG MYSTERIES! You're not raising a thinker here.

12. If professional football doesn't work out, try professional wrestling, or one of the other professions.

DON'T FORGET: When the time comes, pair him up with an equally violent and disturbed woman. Otherwise the chain of badassness could be broken, and all your work will be for NOTHING.