DO Become the most interesting guest at your table by plopping down with an intramural thumb wrestling trophy and adding in some Kahlúa, vodka, and club soda, to mix your own Mind Eraser right at the table.*
DO stage a Tiny Rebellion against stuffiness by taking your tie off early and using it to slide around on the dance floor hoverboard-style.
Not satisfied with the basic dinner options? DO Stage a Tiny Rebellion at your table by slipping your tablemates some handfuls of french fries and homemade chili under the table.
DO stage a Tiny Rebellion against expectations: decline to sit on the bride OR the groom’s side during the ceremony, opting to instead stand in the aisle and whisper, “Love doesn’t take sides.”
DO replace the floral centerpieces with chips, candy and some fresh Mind Erasers —as the night winds down, no one’s going to want to be snacking on flowers.
DO provide the lovely couple with a VHS tape containing reenactments of great moments from Romantic Comedies using your pet corgis.
DO use the time during the father-daughter dance to sip on a delicious Mind Eraser and re-arrange the seating assignments so all the tall people are sitting at one table.
As the Bride passes you on her walk down the aisle, DO feel free stage a Tiny Rebellion by removing your jacket and revealing your t-shirt that reads, “YOU GOT THIS.”
DO ask the bride’s grandmother to dance to the most risque song on the DJ’s playlist.
DON’T forget that although your Kahlúa Mind Eraser is a perfect wedding gift for yourself, you still have to give something to the bride and groom.
During the dollar dance, DON’T give the wife Silver Dollars. It seems fun, but can turn dangerous.
DON’T go the wrong way in the buffet line so you feel “like you earned your dinner.”
When giving a wedding gift DON’T give them your almost full punch card for a free sandwich you spotted last week when you were cleaning out your storage space.
DON’T wear a black belt with brown shoes and a jacket made entirely out of the feathers of a duck.
DON’T start your wedding toast with the words, "Can I get a suggestion of anything at all?”
DON’T attach a “with sympathy card” to your wedding gift.
DON’T tell your date that arching your eyebrows up and down suggestively does too count as dancing.
During the Mother-Son dance, DON’T stand up and say, “Aren’t we all kind of mommy’s little boys?”
DON’T assume the bride and groom have impeccable taste in table wine–especially after the kazoo performance in the middle of their vows. Bring your own Kahlúa Mind Eraser just in case.
DON’T shake things–wedding gifts, your dance partner, the drinks. Instead, stir things up–mischief, fun, and a Kahlúa Mind Eraser.
DON’T skimp on the passed apps–pile up your plate as high as you can, and then say in a snooty voice, “Well this pairs nicely with my Kahlúa Mind Eraser.”
Illustrations By Kevin Alvir