We wanted to live blog the State of the Union Address tonight for all of you, but we all had other plans tonight (‘The Good Wife’ marathon, y'all!). So, we decided to write our live blog ahead of time instead based on what we’re pretty sure is going to happen.
9:00 a.m. - Biden shows up and says, “Oh, 9 P.M.?!
9:01 a.m - Biden leans into turned off mic, "Well, if I’m up this early I’m def getting McDonald’s Breakfast.”
8:40 p.m. - Obama watches 15-minute YouTube compilation video of Michael Jordan’s best dunks to get pumped.
8:59 p.m. - Obama slaps “Champions Don’t Quit” sign before leaving the locker room and heading to the floor.
9:00 p.m. - Obama enters the floor of the House of Representatives wearing a full-length purple robe with his fighting name, “The Emperor,” air brushed as Joe Biden plays Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” from his iPod.
9:01 p.m. - Someone on the floor is blowing a vuvuzela. Something tells me we haven’t heard the last of him.
9:02 p.m. - Obama shakes hands with several notable Washington insiders and Hollywood actor David Spade.
9:03 p.m. - David Spade whispers something into President Obama’s ear.
9:06 p.m. - *still whispering*
9:11 p.m. - Obama finally forces himself away from the Grown Ups 2 star, who then just fades back into the crowd.
9:12 p.m. - Obama and Biden perform intricately choreographed fist bump.
9:13 p.m. - Obama starts the speech with customary, “So, what’s happening with the Union you ask? Well, let me tell ya…”
9:14 p.m. - Obama introduces his guests, including a single mom, an astronaut, and the CEO of CVS. Remarkably, they are all the same person.
9:15 p.m. - Obama begins very quickly addressing the American people one by one.
9:17 p.m. - Obama wraps up, “…and finally, Zork Zyzler.” Obama then reaches for his first sip of water.
9:21 p.m. - Obama deals with a particular heckler using the classic “I don’t come down to the Supreme Court and slap the dick out of your mouth!” line.
9:27 p.m. - The top Twitter trends mentioning State of the Union speech:
9:30 p.m. - Obama is interrupted in the middle of touting recent jobs creation by a P.A. announcement regarding a lost scarf.
9:32 p.m. - Obama reiterates plan to implement paid sick leave so that families can visit LEGOLAND.
9:35 p.m. - Bo the dog scampers onto the floor with a big rope of sausage links in his mouth; gallery in unison exclaims, “Bo!”
9:35 p.m. - Obama delicately explains that his offer to fully fund community college for those willing to work for it was intended only for his slacker niece Stephanie, who needs to get her shit together.
9:38 p.m. - Obama makes his NBA picks (Cavs vs. Trailblazers in the finals).
9:41 p.m. - After addressing the positives of the Affordable Healthcare Act, Obama gets sidetracked with a story about having gone to a podiatrist to get a painful bunion taken care of. The more the president tries to get away from the bunion topic, the more he seems unable to talk about anything else.
9:44 p.m. - John Boehner has a bad case of the giggles and everyone can tell.
9:47 p.m. - Halftime show starring Katy Perry.
9:49 p.m. - Biden has finished carving “KoЯN” into his desk. It is sick.
9:52 p.m. - Obama demonstrates need for faster internet service in a lengthy “skit” him and Biden perform about Obama’s character Googling “how to do CPR” and it taking too long so Biden’s character dies. The crowd is not entertained and mostly confused but politely claps anyway, impressed that the two of them memorized all their lines real well and had the courage to put themselves out there like that.
10:00 p.m. - Obama tries to answer “When can we get HBO Go without a cable subscription” but it’s clear he doesn’t know.
10:02 p.m. - No one gets why the T-Mobile Girl is here but we ain’t complaining. HUMMINA HUMMINA!
10:12 p.m. - Obama pauses halfway through saying something about climate change, then changes his mind, saying, “You know what? Why ruin a great evening, right?”
10:15 p.m. - When are they bringing back out Amy and Tina?!
10:17 p.m. - We’re not sure when it happened, but at some point David Spade swapped seats with Vice President Joe Biden.
10:18 p.m. - Obama openly checks his phone.
10:20 p.m. - Obama steps into his spot as soft, tinkling piano begins to play, signalling his big dramatic monologue is coming.
10:22 p.m. - The gallery doesn’t realize the speech is over. After a moment of silence, Obama awkwardly leans into the microphone and says, “Um, that’s it. I’m done talking now.” Huge applause ensues.
10:25 p.m. - Obama thanks Lorne, musical guest Lady Antebellum, and the entire cast and crew. While the week was crazy, the experience was still a dream come true.
10:36 p.m. - Republican Senator Jodi Ernst begins the GOP SOTU response.
10:37 p.m. - Ernst makes joke: “State of the Union? More like ‘State of the P-U-nion’” while waving hand in front of nose to indicate a stinky smell.
10:38 p.m. - Ernst places a novelty clothespin on her nose to emphasize her “State of the P-U-nion” joke.
10:39 p.m. - Ernst ends the GOP response after taking a drink from a Poland Springs water bottle without realizing she is still on the air. Marco Rubio yells at his television, “See? Not so easy, is it?”
11:01 p.m. - The House of Representatives gallery has completely emptied out. From underneath his desk, Biden’s head pops out and makes sure the coast is clear. He sets up his racecar sleeping bag and settles in for a good sleep.