To Canadian PM Justin “Hussein” Trudeau,
My name is Jim Mustard, and I am a concerned citizen of the United States of America. I am writing this letter to you, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, to tell you that you are not MY president. I did not vote for you, and I strongly disagree with your lousy socialist policies. Of course, I am not a legal citizen of Canada, so I could not vote for you even if I wanted to - which I most certainly did not.
First of all, your open border policy regarding political refugees is unacceptable. As a native resident of South Carolina, I am worried that terrorists YOU let into YOUR country may easily cross the U.S.-Canadian border, then use secret terrorist channels to make their way south through Maine, then New Hampshire, then New York, Vermont, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina and South Carolina, to carry out an attack in my hometown of Myrtle Beach. This highly probable scenario poses a threat to my family’s safety. It’s one of the main reasons why I do not support your presidency, other than the fact that I do not have Canadian citizenship.
May I ask you a question, Mr. Trudeau? Where were you on 9/11? Let me translate into Canadian for you: where were you on 11/9? MY president, the incomparable Donald J. Trump, was on a radio show, consoling the country by pointing out that another very beautiful building still stood tall - his Trump tower. Do you own a tall building, Mr. Trudeau? That is not a rhetorical question - I genuinely do not know. Tucker Carlson rarely discusses Canadian affairs.
With all due respect, Mr. Trudeau, I do not approve of this “public health care” you have implemented in Canada. As an American, I want the relationship between government and health care to be like the border between Canada and Texas - nonexistent. Heaven forbid myself, my wife, or my eleven sons have a medical emergency, I trust America’s billion-dollar insurance corporations to have our best interests at heart.
You might be thinking, “but Mr. Mustard, I did not run for President of the United States, nor am I even legally eligible to serve because I was not born there, eh?” A wise decision. If I was born in Ontario, Quebec, or any of the other Canadian provinces that I cannot name, I would NOT have voted for you.
Let me tell you about MY president, Donald J. Trump (#MAGA), using bullets, which MY Second Amendment gives me the right to do:
• MY president also has movie star good looks, the kind you would find in Universal’s Classic Monster films of the 1930’s in which the stars’ melted wax makeup accented their surly blue eyes and round, mushy physiques.
• MY president never rolls up his sleeves. Showing your bare wrists is a sign of weakness, along with sneezing, holding the door open for strangers, and apologizing for not holding the door open for strangers.
• MY president’s cabinet is full of white men. Your cabinet has more women and minorities than white men. I am a white man. You do the math.
Anyway, I hope you now understand why you are not MY president, and never will be. Unless you are somehow elected President of the United States, in which case I would move to Canada.
P.S. Mounties’ Lives are not MY Blue Lives, Tim Horton’s is not MY Dunkin’ Donuts, and ham is not MY bacon.